Mother’s Day is upon us. Sunday, May 13th this year. The morning of Mother’s Day twenty years ago the due date for my first (and only child) was three days away. I woke up in a pool of sweet smelling liquid – and realized as I came our of my grogginess that my water had broken and the final leg of the journey toward motherhood was underway. Labor progressed slowly and I walked at Pinksterfest in Washington Park to try to stimulate labor and use gravity to my advantage. My partner and I had done a radio interview on WRPI’s show Homoradio about being lesbian moms. It was pre-taped to air on Mother’s Day. My favorite picture of that day is of the two of us, me very pregnant, listening to ourselves on the radio broadcast sharing a headset and laughing together in the beautiful May sunshine awaiting the imminent birth of our child. After a very long labor, she arrived in the deep night on Wednesday, May 13th, 1992.
Laboring on Mother’s Day that year and her birth – which cyclically falls on Mother’ s Day as it does this year - has always added to my joy and celebration of this holiday. My daughter’s presence in our life is also a part of a bigger cultural celebration for me of all gay and lesbian parents and the creative ways we have created family. When I was pregnant with her, New York State did not support co-parent adoption, gay marriage was barely on the agenda for the gay and lesbian community let alone the rest of the country. She was going to be born into a world that was preparing for her arrival. As her parents, we were going to have to care for her and protect her as tolerance grew in her community. And she was going to become a spokesperson for gay and lesbian families everytime she called us both mom. When she was 3 and 4 – she always referred to her friends parents as moms. By age 5, she had altered that to moms or dads or whatever they have. Slowly – she learned that most people had moms and dads – but thanks to the growing presence of children in the gay and lesbian community – she always had friends and schoolmates with moms or dads.
Today as a twenty year old college student, five of her classmates including one of her best friends were raised by two moms. She initially met this friend at an open mike night where he read a powerful poem about being raised by his two moms and she walked up to him. This spring, she has been a trainer to prepare her peers to lead multicultural awareness for next year’s freshman class. When she was filling out her application for this position, she called me up. “Mom – I don’t understand what they mean by this question about multiculturalism.” I had to explain that there are people who think that their cultural experience is the norm and they don’t understand that other people have different experiences and cultural ways of being. After she heard that she was off and running with her essay. It had never occurred to her that there was any other view to have than one of seeing, acknowledging and embracing difference.
In 1992 I had no idea what was ahead for my family. I am more grateful than I can articulate that a world of care and kindness opened up to us. Despite so many set backs for the gay and lesbian community, tolerance and welcoming of gay and lesbian families has grown and grown. In 1996, co-adoption legislation was passed in New York State and my daughter became the first child in Albany County to legally have two moms. As a couple that went on to separate and co-parent from two homes – this legal protection provided seamless care for my daughter no matter which mom she was with when she enrolled for camp or went to the doctor. In my practice as a family therapist, I have an intimate view of the true diversity of families and delight in all the ways that families come together to love and make homes for their children.
Several weeks ago, my daughter got an e-mail from the co-captains of her Ultimate (frisbee) team detailing the upcoming tournament schedule. She sent it to both her moms and I noticed that her captains had signed it “.” I e-mailed her back – I thought we were “.” She sent back a reply. I have lots of mommas. And she does. We are all loving her and watching out for her and celebrating her like mommas do all around the world.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the mommas – especially all the brave mommas who weathered a community learning tolerance to bring forth a generation of children who grew up living and breathing respect and embracing difference. Watch out, world.
Karen Beetle is a therapist and mindfulness teacher. You can reach her at 518-424-7516 or kabeetle
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